@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

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@mstluvstrinkets

I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.

@SladeWentworth

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

@djdarrellripley

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

@Jake_Vig

Will I understand “12 Monkeys” if I didn’t watch the first eleven monkeys?

@chelliet22

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

@thejamietighe

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

@Lisabug74

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

@ohgeorgeishere

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

@kellyoxford

“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.