Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

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I like to slip a Honey Boo Boo episode in every once in awhile to remind my husband that it could be worse.


Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.


Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.


Will I understand “12 Monkeys” if I didn’t watch the first eleven monkeys?


Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.


*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.


I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.


“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.


I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.


“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.