Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You Might Also Like
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
The dark side of Canada
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”