ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.