ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Barbie gone wild
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
wishing you and yours all the best
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.