Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!