“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.
Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.
Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*
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Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
me: i don’t get why no one falls in love with me
person: wanna go on a date?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Twitter in a nutshell
*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water