@gruffybeard

Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.

Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.

Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*

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@piddle_fart

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.

@liv_thatsme

me: i don’t get why no one falls in love with me

person: wanna go on a date?

me: no

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

@SnarkyMommy78

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

@monica_L1257

*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water

*speechless*