Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
OMG 🤣🤣
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?