“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Always a metermaid never a meter
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming