Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
This is my cat’s medicine.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Legend 🤣🤣
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.