@Gooooats

Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*

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@geowizzacist

My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.

@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

@Divergentmama

Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room

@semenphantom

*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”

@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@pregnant_cat

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

@TweetsByKaylee

him: what are you studying?

me: engineering

him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?

me: *drying beer glass* probably this