My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.
Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.
3: That’s because I flushed.
Me: you’re going to bed in 5 minutes.
Toddler: No. Twenty minutes!
Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*
You Might Also Like
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Does this mask make my face look funny?
*husband slowly backs out of the room
*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The first rule of liars club is to tell everyone you’re in fight club.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
him: what are you studying?
him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?
me: *drying beer glass* probably this