@QwertyJones3

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

@ByrdMan0914

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

@RachelWenitsky

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

@SerialFuckup

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@GrantTanaka

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

@princess_snide

Text from two weeks ago:

Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Umm…

So last night, I unwrapped:

@yenniwhite

Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: get them to put on pants.

@TheIntComShow

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks