Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this