Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
dam girl
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.