Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

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A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C’mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around


What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!


Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol


There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.

*sharpening knife*


Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late


I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm


[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half


Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.


7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.


My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”