A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C’mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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What’s a drug lord woman called?
A drug lady?
A heroin heroine?!
Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol
There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”