I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Dead sexy!!
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says