
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.
*kids all still sleeping
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.