Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*

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Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*


If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?

Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.


Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda



[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant


ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask


Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?


“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people


If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.


Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.