maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.
*kids all still sleeping
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.