@hippieswordfish: robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier* cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!

@: eminem: look, if you only had one shot- me: I’d ask for more shots eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can't ask for more shots

@biggt1973: Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana

@_youhadonejob1: They didn’t think that engagement photo through.

@sadengels: 7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i'm a communist