@AnkCoupleTO

Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*

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@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

@WakeVII

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@Divergentmama

I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping

@TheBeerGuy73

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

@notimetobehere

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

@Sanbel11

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

@DurtMcHurtt

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.