Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
You Might Also Like
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
Wife: I lost my day planner.
Me: Not in your briefcase?
W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.
M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.