@Daveastated
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
@AnkCoupleTO
Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
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@Daveastated
@LinajkReturns
If he buys your drink, but you’re really not interested?
Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
@cbdoubleu
Wife: I lost my day planner.
Me: Not in your briefcase?
W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.
M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda
W:
@LlamaInaTux
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
@Brampersandon_
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
@NewDadNotes
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
@KKAlThani
“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people
@GinAndJif
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
@BillEvenson
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
@iAmDelFreaky
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.