@chrisanna4real: Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven't changed, just like she asked.

@BoogTweets: Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

@QwertyJones3: [Starbucks] "Yes, I'd like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please." Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

@MutedCatfish: No. I'm not pregnant. That's my liver.

@sixfootcandy: Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.