@LosLos__: I have friends who do charity work for U2. They're pro Bono.

@HenpeckedHal: DR: your daughter's vision and hearing look good ME: and? DR. height and weight are both average for her age ME: and? DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure's normal ME: aaaaaaand? DR: you don't have to cut the grapes in half anymore ME: oh thank god

@adamjest: People ask me questions like I'm listening

@ashmensch: Them: Can you describe yourself in five words? Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

@_NinJar: I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket