Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
You Might Also Like
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty
Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once