Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
What a year we’ve had this week.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.