@FredTaming

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

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@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.

@KateWouldHaveIt

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

@JB1971_

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

@johnbiehl

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

@AnOrangeSNES

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

@stephenjmolloy

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

@Crunk_Jews

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once