Real men don’t run from problems, they fix them. Unless it’s really scary
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.
Am sorry I asked you ‘Who is the father’ when you told me your wife is pregnant.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.