Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My teenage children choosing violence
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.