@FredTaming

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

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@jake_lach

Real men don’t run from problems, they fix them. Unless it’s really scary

@VerbsRProudest

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

@Moi_RaRa

I like long walks while holding hands.. which always seems a little awkward with strangers on the beach.

@xysist

Am sorry I asked you ‘Who is the father’ when you told me your wife is pregnant.

@TheCatWhisprer

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

@LibyaLiberty

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

@NewDadNotes

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro