Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
You Might Also Like
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom
Boss: Can I have a word?
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.