Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Lerky: Me: you're like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you're addicted to me?

Me: No, because you're ruining my life.

Me: you’re like heroin. Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me? Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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@numbertze: If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

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@Thedudish: My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling "He doesn't even buy bread."

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@stephenjmolloy: *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant."

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@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I’d like to return this sports bra. CASHIER: Why? ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports. CASHIER: It's just clothing. You train to be good at sports. ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

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@Rollinintheseat: I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say "Like a champion."

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