@smedlee The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.
@Lerky Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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@smedlee 
@SgtButtCheeks My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat.
I answered nuts.
We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5.
My boy.
@bourgeoisalien At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
@chuuew [emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
@Darlainky You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
@omgthatspunny I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
@TheBoydP Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
@Grind_n_Roll Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.
@Sean_Burgundy_ Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?
– me as a marriage counselor
@ArfMeasures Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic