@Pork_Chop_Hair
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
@Lerky
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair
@BethsButt
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
@theguywitheyes
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
@Rachelnoise
They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
@Smooheed
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
@mishakey
I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom
@ItsAndyRyan
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
@dildointherough
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
@hashtag_stacks
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
@bigmacher
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.