@Lerky

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

@BethsButt

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

@theguywitheyes

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

@Rachelnoise

They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

@Smooheed

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

@mishakey

I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom

@ItsAndyRyan

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@dildointherough

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.