Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

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The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.


My 4yo son just asked what squirrels eat.
I answered nuts.
We laughed so hard, hugged, and gave each other a high 5.
My boy.


At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”


[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you


You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice


Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind


Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.


Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?

– me as a marriage counselor


Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic