Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi