Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[shakes fist at other fist]
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun