“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying