Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.
Don’t tell me what to do.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.