Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

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If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.


Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.


oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card


My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is


My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.