Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Hey i am sexy to you now
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here