@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

You Might Also Like

@pittdave13

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.

@bkmorrison

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

@LlamaInaTux

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

@lottie_fly_x

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.