@GroovyTasia

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

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@NoahJWatkins

“Do you smell the updoc?”, I say to my pet bunny. My bunny replies with silence. I know that someday he will say it and I am willing to wait

@maybetomhanks

god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

@thatUPSdude

If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.

@Sakshi9998

game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.

@TheToddWilliams

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare