@GroovyTasia

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

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@itrevormoore

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

@bobsaget

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

@GinAndJif

I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.

@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@motorace177

I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@GerryDuggan

Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.