Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.