Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
new shirt idea
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”