Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
You Might Also Like
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.