Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

we did it you guys we saved daylight

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1554672838552031232/pu/vid/886x470/UBLAUqO-_ewVvQ2c.mp4?tag=12

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?