Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
You Might Also Like
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.