Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes