Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
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I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
With great power comes great electricity bill.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.