ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”