ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

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I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.


[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn


Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.


Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting


“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.


you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays


My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.


Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.