@ItsAndyRyan
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
@HepatitisAtoZ
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
You Might Also Like
@ItsAndyRyan
@freypalm
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
@MichaelTrying
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
@Disalmanac
Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.
@karanbirtinna
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
@Michael1979
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
@c12h22o11balls
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
@_Tempo11
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
@Owl_Meat
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
@ScottyBondo
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny