me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

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Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.

But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”


My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.


I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pigโ€ฆ

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.


I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.


I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.


My therapist told me to take more risks so I parted my hair on the other side this morning.


Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic


“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.


I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV