@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

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@ItsAndyRyan

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

@freypalm

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

@Disalmanac

Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.

@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

@Michael1979

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@Owl_Meat

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

@ScottyBondo

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny