The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I need to get some bricks…
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.