me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.