[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.