There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.
You Might Also Like
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Understanding women isn’t rocket science.
Rocket science has rules and boundaries.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter