Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.

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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.


Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.


Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.


{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please


Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.


Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No


H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter