Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon