Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
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*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*