No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant