me: yuck dude what’s that smell

kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit

me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult

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I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.


figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives


3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.


ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops


M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help


Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”



ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you


TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that


OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.


Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.