Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.