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@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@_SingleBabyMama

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

@gilineezy

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

@Karissajem

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

@AbbyHasIssues

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past week.

@stayfrea_

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

@SufficientCharm

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.