Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
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I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.