Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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Matt Goss
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
inventing words: clothing
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Love this guy
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
💯😂
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth