@whatbabytalk

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

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@mirxbel

The worst part about online shopping is having to get up n get your card out your purse

@thentherewasmo

I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

@AnOrangeSNES

*Snoop walks into a classroom*
Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory
Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory
*Snoops walks out disappointed*

@thatUPSdude

[AA Meeting]

“I think it’s time we address the elephant in the room”

Elephant: Hey hey I thought this was supposed to be anonymous!?

@longwall26

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

@slimmy_shady

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

@WilliamAder

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?