(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it