(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.


If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.



Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.


Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.


how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.


In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking “how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads…”


me: can I drink alcohol on this medication??

doctor: well one drink is going to make you feel like you’ve had 4…

me: oh so I’m saving moneyyyy


Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.


Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.