I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
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Ellen degeneres, one of the greatest humans on earth
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.
In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking “how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads…”
me: can I drink alcohol on this medication??
doctor: well one drink is going to make you feel like you’ve had 4…
me: oh so I’m saving moneyyyy
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.