ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Breaking news:
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.