ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me

You Might Also Like


I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.


Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.


I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal


met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it


Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks


When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.


[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason


87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.


[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?