I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?