Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Only a mother’s love …
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…