It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
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“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Me: Then no.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.
Parents: ok, cool.
Me: Your luggage is outside
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!