[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Not today.. 😂
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
How did we not see this back then?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.