Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
BaD BoY!!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.