Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Finally, an explanation.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.