We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job