Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Those are good neighbors.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind