Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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Life is a suicide mission.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.