@JustHadOneJob

Meanwhile in Ireland.

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@Spaziotwat

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@HavocMantis

I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.

@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

@just1fool

Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

@envydatropic

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*

@Parkerlawyer

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

@TheHyyyype

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital