I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.