Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
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“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
“Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me.” -Alcohol
I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Beer:”You know what would be funny?”
Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital