If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
You Might Also Like
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
🖤✌🏽
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.