I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.
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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Wife: I’ll just have a salad.
Waiter: and for you, sir?
Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.