Meanwhile in Northern Ireland.

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I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.


Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.


*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.


Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard


Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.


Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!


Wife: I’ll just have a salad.

Waiter: and for you, sir?

Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food.