[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.