meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.